BASIC ASSUMPTIONS,

CORE ISSUES,

RELATED TOPICS

I. IMPORTANT ASSUMPTIONS

A. God created the universe, made us in His own image, placed us on the earth, and then, because of our sinful rebellion against Him, redeemed us through the shed blood of Jesus Christ for the primary purpose of entering into and enjoying a shared, mutual, two-way relationship of communion and companionship with us individually, and as a community (the Body of Christ, the Church universal), beginning in this life and lasting forever.

B. Love, in its most basic form, is seeking the good of others. To love is to promote and protect the good of everyone who in any way is affected by our choices and behavior.

C. Love and endearment are not the same, and therefore they do not always go hand-in-hand. Love is the choice to seek another's good in a manner equal to if not greater than the pursuit of one's own good. Endearment is the choice to treat another person in such a way as to inspire affection or warm sympathy in him/her toward oneself. Love can be given without ever being received, thus requiring only one party to do what is right. Therefore, love given does not necessarily result in a relationship of mutual love. For endearment to take place, it must be sought and received. This requires both parties to be involved in the giving. The first party must behave in such a manner as to inspire the other to feel/express affection for him/her. Therefore, endearment between two parties always results in a relationship of mutual love.

D. Relationships which are meaningful and fulfilling for both parties are based on a mutual commitment to the other's well-being and a mutual trust that the other will live up to his/her commitment. Relationships of this nature naturally endear the parties to each other, thus strengthening their relational bond through a heart-felt (emotionally felt) attachment to and desire for each other. It is on this basis that we are able to love God supremely, not from necessity or as one who is obeying the authority, but voluntarily, cheerfully, and sincerely.

II. CORE ISSUES DRIVING CONFLICT AND/OR PREVENTING RESOLUTION

CORE ISSUES TOO PERSONAL TO IGNORE

Approval/self-worth

Control

Justice

Acceptance/love

Because these four core issues are so precious to us, we are prone to act on behalf of protecting and preserving them at the first sign of their being under attack. And because conflict generally affects one or more of these core issues, our primary concern when responding to conflict tends to be that of:

1) minimizing or removing disapproval,

2) promoting or affirming self-worth,

3) asserting or maintaining control,

4) correcting injustice, or insulating ourselves from its effects,

5) promoting or demanding acceptance/love,

6) cutting our losses so as to diminish the pain of rejection.

When our primary concern is approval/self-worth, control, justice, and/or acceptance/love, we see victory over or distance from the offender (including going our separate ways) as the most rational, productive response to conflict.

When we believe victory over the offender is the best response to conflict, we feel justified in unleashing strong feelings, harsh words, cruel criticisms, put-downs, undefeatable logic, unanswerable accusations, exaggerations, threats, and even physical abuse. Each of these responses may bring the victory desired, but they always damage, and often end, the relationship.

When we believe distance from the offender is the most reasonable response to conflict, we feel justified in using silence, coolness, indifference, unfriendliness, withdrawal, avoidance, divorce, and internalized hatred. Though these responses are self-protective, they are also relationship destructive.

Generally speaking, we choose victory over or distance from the conflict-offender out of a selfish concern for our own well-being or interests. In other words, we are looking out for our own good at the expense of the relationship. We are saying that "my" individual happiness is more important than "our" relationship. We are behaving as if "my" well-being (sense of control, feelings of peace, avoidance of the unpleasant) is non-negotiable, while "our" relationship is disposable. When relationships are seen as disposable, self-protective, relationship damaging responses to conflict seem rational.

III. OTHER VITAL ISSUES RELATED TO CONFLICT

A. Our behavior is not the direct result of a given stimulus. Instead, it is the direct result of what we believe or tell ourself about the stimulus. For example, people, or people's behavior, do not make us mad. We get mad based on what we believe about that person or that person's behavior.

B. There is a distinct difference between premeditated murder and manslaughter. However, manslaughter committed on a repetitive basis against the same person or group of people soon feels like premeditated murder to them. And once the offender is clearly shown how his behavior is hurting others and therefore should be stopped, it is no longer manslaughter when carelessly committed. It is irresponsible, uncaring, reckless murder which now should be treated as premeditated murder.

C. No one likes pain. Yet if we choose a sinful approach to conflict, we will suffer. And if we choose a godly approach to conflict, we will most likely suffer. But, is it not better to suffer for redemptive, noble, and good purposes? (This is the "take up our cross daily" theme.) Therefore, learn the difference between:

1. QUICK FIXES: methods and solutions which bring immediate relief from current pain or ensure protection from future pain without resolving the conflict and restoring the relationship. Such methods forestall our misery (delay until some time in the future), they do not end it (i.e., blocking, passively yielding to the aggressor, aggression, threats, abuse).

2. REAL FIXES: methods and solutions that deal with reality, resolve issues, solve problems, and protect or restore relationships. Such methods will include uncomfortable, even unwanted feelings and situations, but they solve differences and strengthen relationships so that the future is more satisfying.

D. Complete trust in the goodness of God and the reliability of God's Word is essential to conflict resolution. At whatever point you think God will not protect your interests, or at whatever point you think obedience to His Word will leave you too vulnerable to the schemes and injustice of others, you will depart from doing things God's way (doing what you know is right, living according to God's Word) and resort to doing things your own way (doing what you feel certain will promote or protect your interests). Since God's way of thinking and behaving is based on love (seeking the good of everyone who in any way is affected by your choices and behavior), to depart from God's way leaves only one other way - self-centeredness (seeking the good of self as your first concern and others only as it fits into your first concern).

E. There is a distinct difference between peacemaking and peacekeeping. One works for the resolution of conflict and the restoration of relationship while the other works for the absence of obvious, overt conflict without regard to the resolving the differences or restoring the relationship. Our goal as Christian conciliators is to be peacemakers, never peacekeepers.

PEACEMAKER: Draw parties together - get personally involved.

PEACEKEEPER: Keep parties apart - stand between, settle for false peace.

Copyright © DSB.   All rights reserved.
Revised: February 26, 2008.