CONFRONTATION SKILLS
FOR MEDIATORS
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CONFRONTING IN LOVE
by Judy Darlington
EPHESIANS 4:15
"Speaking the truth in love, we will become Christ like and grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ."
I. PURPOSE OF CONFRONTATION
To bring a truth about themselves to a person that they either cannot see or have not seen clearly enough to use it in their life.
II. CAUTIONS OF CONFRONTATION
It can escalate the problem if not handled correctly. It can be used to try to change people, instead of giving them truth so they can make better choices.
III. BALANCED CONFRONTATION
A. TIMING IS CRITICAL
Earn the right to be heard through respect, empathy, and warmth in relationship (genuine caring behaviors).
B. WILL CONFRONTATION BE HELPFUL? ASK YOURSELF:
1. Will this statement help the person to grow?
2. Is this confrontation for them or for me?
3. Are they ready to hear what I am about to say?
4. Does it need to be said for my own growth, yet not at the expense of the person?
C. AM I BEING SENSITIVE TO THE PERSON?
1. Are they too depressed, anxious, or distressed to hear this now?
2. Do they have enough emotional support to hear this now?
D. IS IT TENTATIVE RATHER THAN AN ABSOLUTE? (try to avoid defensiveness as much as possible)
Examples:
1. "It seems to me that perhaps you may be. . ."
2. "If I remember correctly, Jane, you said. . ." (I-Statement and tentative)
3. "You are wrong. You said you would pay me every Wednesday and you haven't." (absolute and you-Statement)
4. "If I am not mistaken, adultery is clearly contrary to the Bible, Maude. Since you are a committed Christian, it seems to me that you may want to examine your actions in light of Biblical teachings." (tentative, yet clear on issue)
WHEN TO OVERLOOK OFFENSES
AND WHEN TO CONFRONT
I. WHEN TO OVERLOOK OFFENSES/WHEN TO CONFRONT (Note: Proverbs 19:11; Romans 12:17-19; James 1:19-20; I Peter 4:8)
A. When the good of others is not at stake.
B. When unrighteous or self-righteous anger is your primary motive.
C. When peace process will be hurt more than helped by confronting.
D. When you can handle another's failures or hurts without anger or resentment.
E. When it is best for others to overlook the offense.
F. When you have tried several times already and nothing has been done.
II. WHEN TO CONFRONT
A. When the offense/dispute is over values, issues, principles, and/or morality.
B. When the good of the community is at stake (those adversely affected by the offender).
C. When unity among group members is being threatened.
D. When God's reputation is being tarnished.
E. When you find yourself keeping score or building resentment.
F. When overlooking would encourage the sinner to go on in his sin.
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