THE NECESSITY AND POWER OF FORGIVENESS IN RECONCILIATION
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FORGIVENESS - IT TAKES TWO
Forgiveness is primarily defined as: "giving up not only any claim to repayment or punishment but also any feelings of resentment, alienation, or desire for revenge."
Feelings of resentment: bitter brooding, smoldering ill-will, contempt, open or hidden hatred.
Alienation: unfriendliness, loss of affection for, disinterest in, withdrawal, separation, divorce.
Desire for revenge: get even, hurt back, return evil for evil, get satisfaction for being wronged.
The catalyst for forgiveness is love - love which places the highest possible value on relationships - shared relationships built on mutual love and trust. If loving relationships are not valued above all else, the next powerful motive or reason to forgive becomes self-interest.
Self-interest is a powerful, driving force, but it lacks the power to move us into action when such action seems to work against self-interest. So then, what will motivate us to forgive when it seems forgiveness will open the door to things we don't want to have happen to ourselves or don't want to be involved in? The answer is a higher authority or the law.
After self-interest, the next most powerful motive is obligation and duty. We can force ourselves to forgive against our better judgment by acting from a sense of obligation or duty to some higher authority. Children do this when a parent tells them to forgive a sibling even though it is the opposite of what they want to do. Christians do this when someone informs them God requires them to forgive even the unrepentant offender who continues to openly and deliberately offend. The problem with obligation and duty as a catalyst for forgiveness is that, in time, the forgiver begins to resent the one behind the law - the one putting them in the position of having to be friendly toward or affectionate with someone they don't want to be friendly or affectionate with again.
Therefore, the only rational, reasonable, life-long workable catalyst for forgiveness is love - love which places the highest possible value on shared relationships built on mutual love and trust and relies on God to be its provider and protector so it is free (feels safe) to forgive and re-establish relationship.
The purpose of forgiveness is to bring healing and restoration to a relationship which has been damaged or broken through unloving behavior by one or both parties involved in the relationship. In other words, forgiveness is the healing agent or the medical process through which a sick, dying, or dead relationship must pass if it is to be restored to a state of health.
For forgiveness to have its relationship-restoring effect between the offender and the offended there must be repentance on the part of the offender. Therefore, the prerequisite for relationship-restoring forgiveness is repentance. Repentance is a change of mind which results in a corresponding change of behavior. Without repentance on the part of the offender regarding the offense which damaged the relationship, there can be no forgiveness. In fact, without repentance on the part of the offender, there is no biblical or rational basis for forgiveness.
Go back to the last part of the forgiveness definition: no resentment, no alienation, no revenge. The resentment and revenge part can be dealt with internally - in the offended person's mind. This is rarely easy, but it is made easier when we no longer have to be affectionate with, friendly toward, associate with, or in any other way be around the offender. But we cannot be free of these things without some form of alienation.
To forgive takes us beyond no resentment and no revenge. Forgiveness has as its primary purpose the restoration of relationship (no alienation). To forgive is to intentionally, purposefully, and cheerfully reopen and restore the relationship. When the offended person forgives, he sets aside his unfriendliness and becomes friendly. He turns his animosity toward the offender into affection for the offender. Instead of withdrawing from the relationship he pursues it. Instead of separating he builds unity. Instead of divorce he restores and heals so love can bloom again. This is the no alienation part of forgiveness. This is why forgiveness is irrational and unworkable without repentance on the part of the offender.
Think about this. Can you lovingly return to a relationship and cheerfully pursue times together with someone who has deeply hurt you and still thinks he has done nothing wrong? Do you want a friendly, endearing relationship with someone who has deeply hurt you - without repentance, and who continues to hurt you - without remorse?
To forgive an unrepentant offender for the purpose of returning to the relationship as if nothing is wrong is irrational and suicidal. Not even God will do such a foolish thing. But more than that, forgiveness without repentance gives the appearance of condoning sin. It sends the sinner the message that he is free to continue sinning - without compunction (without regret, remorse, or shame). Therefore, forgiveness without repentance is not only irrational, it is destructive. It degrades love, debases relationship, and ultimately destroys community by freeing the offender to freely offend (i.e., the family, neighborhood, workplace, state, nation, world).
Yet who of us has not been told that we are to forgive even though the offender has not repented? Who has not heard that we are to forgive the offender even though he continues to knowingly and willfully offend? And who of us has not tried to forgive according to these dictums?
Those who teach we are to forgive before the offender repents have confused forgiveness with pop-psychology's unconditional acceptance.
Acceptance of another implies approval to the degree of wanting and making possible an active relationship with that person. Unconditional acceptance implies approval to the point of wanting and making possible an active relationship with someone regardless of their treatment of us - be it good or bad, kind or unkind, loving or unloving. Though this is deemed a noble ideal, it is an irrational, unworkable idea.
For all its nobleness, unconditional acceptance is only as good as the other person's behavior in relation to his behavior's affect on you. Let him cross your line of unacceptable behavior (i.e., raping someone you cherish, physically and emotionally abusing you, cheating you out of lots of money) and you will sever the ties that bind - choosing distance over closeness and alienation over relationship. Now, as soon as you back away from the relationship, no matter how justified you believe you are, you've proven there is no such thing as unconditional acceptance.
Therefore, be wary of those who teach this noble ideal. If we try to practice unconditional acceptance as if it is forgiveness, we will turn relationships into user/used affiliations where one side controls and the other is controlled; where one side gets his own way and the other gives in; where one side feels happy and the other feels used. Such an affiliation has nothing to do with love - the only ingredient able to make every relationship meaningful and fulfilling for both parties involved. Unconditional acceptance cannot take the place of forgiveness because it fails to alter relationship-damaging behavior on the part of the offender. At best, it can alter the reality of the one being offended, for a time, by asking him to trust in the untrustable and act as if the unreasonable is reasonable.
So what does the offended party do with his inconsolable hurts and irreplaceable losses at the hands of an offending party? Practice unconditional or one-sided love.
Love is best defined as seeking the good of others so that we do what is best for any individual affected by our choices and behavior in a manner that protects the well- being of the community. Under this definition, we can seek the good of anyone, friend or foe, while protecting the good of the community in which we and/or that person lives. Seeking a person's good, though, is not equal to having a shared relationship of trust and love with that person. It is simply the act of doing what is best for an individual in spite of his behavior toward us or others.
God is unequaled for His one-sided, unconditional love. But, God refuses to participate in any shape or form with unconditional acceptance - including forgiveness without repentance. The proof of this is found throughout the Scriptures, but two verses will be enough to make the point.
"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor, and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you in order that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." (Matthew 5:43-45, NASB)
Jesus makes the statement that we are to love our enemies just as God loves everyone, including His enemies. Jesus verifies his statement about God loving His enemies by pointing to the fact that God causes the sun to shine and rain to fall on the righteous and unrighteous alike. This is an example of one-sided, unconditional love - love which seeks the good of others by helping them obtain the basic necessities of life regardless of how their behavior affects us. We can be sure it is one-sided love because it is impossible to share in an adoring or even friendly relationship with one's enemy. And, we can be sure it is unconditional love because it actively and cheerfully seeks the good of friend and foe alike.
". . .God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation." (II Corinthians 5:19, NASB)
The apostle Paul is making the point that God worked, and is working, through Jesus Christ, to reconcile unbelievers to Himself. The word reconcile comes from the word conciliate. It means to restore a relationship through the restoration of goodwill, harmony, and compatibility. This kind of restoration requires dealing with the differences which caused the breakdown of the relationship in a manner that removes them, so mutual trust and love can be restored. Dealing with differences in this way requires the involvement of both parties doing their part to change what needs to be changed and do what needs to be done. Anything less on the part of either side leaves the relationship in a damaged condition and the parties in some state of alienation. When a relationship remains in a damaged condition and the parties remain in an alienated condition, it is proof reconciliation has not taken place.
So we see that one-sided, unconditional love can promote and protect the good of others, including our enemies, but it cannot heal a damaged or restore a broken relationship. Only repentance on the part of the offender and forgiveness on the part of the offended can create the environment necessary for reconciliation and the rebuilding of relationship. It is for this reason that Christ attached the condition of repentance on the part of the offender to forgiveness on the part of the offended.
"Keep watch on yourselves. If your brother wrongs you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. Even if he wrongs you seven times in a day and comes back to you seven times saying 'I repent,' you are to forgive him." (Luke 17:3-4, NASB)
The solution to bitterness and revenge, evil thoughts, and the desire for some form of alienation is found in Philippians 4:6-8, Ephesians 4:31-5:2, 6:10-13, Colossians 3:1-3, 12-15, and Romans 12:14, 16-21. These scriptures show us the way to right thinking and feeling regardless of the offender's behavior and/or continued behavior. These scriptures are God's provision for a healthy, rational way out of our mental anguish and emotional hurts when the offender is unrepentant.
However, living according to these scriptures cannot repair a damaged or restore a broken relationship. The inseparable counterpart to forgiveness is repentance. The two together are a miracle worker. But this miracle worker must be kept together if the miracle work of reconciliation is to get done.
In relation to forgiveness, repentance is a change of mind about previous or current behavior which results in noticeable and relationship-affecting changes of behavior. Repentance is not penance. It is not earning acceptance by groveling or putting yourself down. It is not grief, as if you could make yourself unhappy for a sufficient length of time to pay for your sins. Repentance is the highest form of personal humility and purest form of personal honesty resulting in changes of behavior which denounce self- centeredness, embrace love, and rebuild relationship.
Forgiveness is letting go. This means the one forgiving is willing and ready to let go of the offense or offenses which were committed against him. It means letting go of all the feelings and thoughts which promote resentment, revenge, and alienation. It means letting go of any desire or act of control whereby we try to protect ourselves from future hurt by selfishly controlling the offender's post-forgiveness behavior. It means letting go of the distrust of the offender (created by the offender himself so that he deserved to be distrusted), so the offender can feel accepted once again.
Forgiveness demands reinstatement of trust. Resolving differences and restoring relationships requires mutual trust. This means the one forgiving must be willing to risk trusting again, and the one being forgiven must be willing to change so as to validate his worthiness to be trusted again. It is in this way that each party proves their commitment to restore trust. Therefore, in forgiving, we are to care enough about the offender and the relationship to risk trusting again. In being forgiven, we are to care enough about the offended person and the relationship to change.
Some people think that forgiveness is necessary while reconciliation is optional. This is not true. If it were true, the goal of forgiveness would be one's own salvation (self-salvation).
Forgiveness takes two - two sides working together for the common good to restore a relationship to mutual trust and love.
Forgiveness without repentance is not biblical. It is not rational. It is not based on love - love which seeks the good of everyone affected in any way by our choices and behavior. It does not value relationship - the uppermost thought in God's mind when He created us. It does not value community - a place where all who are there are safe with all who are there because they are loved by all who are there.
ESSENTIALS OF FORGIVENESS
TO FORGIVE, WE MUST BE WILLING TO:
Work together in resolving differences and evaluating progress
See the other person's words and actions as truly repentant
Trust the other person even though it means risking being wronged and hurt again
Open ourselves to new levels of intimacy and times together for the purpose of rebuilding relationship
TO RECEIVE FORGIVENESS, WE MUST BE WILLING TO:
Work together in resolving differences and evaluating progress
Verify our repentance is genuine by starting immediately to make agreed on changes
Free ourselves from fear of criticism so we can be open, honest, and spontaneous again
Accept the reality of reputation lost and give the other person time to grow in trust for the sake of re-establishing relationship
THREE FORMS OF AN APPOLOGY
Two wrong - One Right
AN APPEASEMENT
Offers a self-demeaning apology, grovels.
Degrades self in an attempt to make self look bad so offended party will show pity or mercy.
Makes unclear appeal to pity and mercy.
Is asking for:
1) Escape from consequences or punishment for wrongs done.
2) Escape from humiliation for wrong choices made.
Seeks acceptance. Does not wish to take responsibility for wrong done, but does want offended party to accept them as if they had done no wrong.
AN ACCOUNT
Offers a full account of why he did what was done. This comes in the form of an excuse.
Uses disclaimers. Asks to be recognized as generally being a good person.
Spreads the blame beyond self as if what was done would not have been done if the other party had not done what they did or circumstances were not what they were.
Is asking for:
1) The other party to see their own part in the wrong doing.
2) The other party to be reasonable and tolerant since the explanation given shows the accused is neither solely nor mostly to blame.
Seeks exoneration. Denies responsibility; side-steps having to be accountable for what was done; excuses self due to extenuating circumstances.
AN APOLOGY
Offers no defense or excuse. Simply admits wrong done.
Shows true sorrow and pledges to work on keeping wrong from recurring in the future (to change).
Adds nothing to the apology.
Is asking for:
1) Forgiveness for the wrong done. Acknowledges that what was done was wrong, unwarranted, and indefensible.
2) Restoration of the relationship - a reconciled state of mutual love and trust.
Seeks reconciliation. Takes authentic, obvious responsibility for the wrong done without any explanation or justification or personal defense.
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