ESSENTIALS OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

GOOD COMMUNICATION A VITAL PART OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Communication is one of the most important factors in human relationships. It has many parts: our choice of words, our tone of voice, how loud we speak, our emphasis on certain words, hushed expressions, facial expressions, hand gestures, body movements, and even silence. The goal of good communication is to show love and respect for others by giving them the freedom to respond to us however they choose, while at the same time being honest with them about our own thoughts and feelings.

There are basically three types of communication: aggressive, passive, and good communication. The type of communication we choose in a given encounter indicates what we are trying to accomplish in that encounter.

Aggressive communication is the use of strength or power to overwhelm, intimidate, or manipulate others. The purpose of aggressive communication is to make other people think and/or act according to the way we want them to think and act.

Passive communication is the use of partial or total silence (withdrawal) to avoid confrontation, arguments, hostility, and abuse. The purpose of passive communication is to keep the peace by appeasing the other person or giving him the freedom to do as he pleases, including venting his hurt or angry feelings.

Good communication is the use of love (choosing what is best for others), respect, and truth (dealing honestly with facts, feelings, and assumptions) to express what we think and how we feel, while allowing the other person to respond however he chooses. The purpose of good communication is to provide an atmosphere in which relationships can develop and be maintained. Good communication provides the opportunity for two- way communication, identification of the real issues, discovery of what the other person thinks and feels, mutually agreeable resolution to conflict, and affirmation of mutual
respect and trust.

It is difficult to express ourselves in a kind, respectful way when we are feeling under pressure, frustrated, irritated, angry, helpless, etc. I-statements give us a format for expressing negative feelings about a person or his behavior in a way that does not sound critical or judgmental of the person himself. This makes it safer for the other person to join the conversation rather than become defensive.

THE I-STATEMENT FORMULA HAS FOUR PARTS:

WHEN: We objectively, honestly, kindly describe the other person's behavior.

THE EFFECTS ARE: We describe how the other person's behavior actually affected our life or feelings.

I FEEL: We describe how it made us feel.

I'D PREFER: We describe what we want.

The 'I FEEL' part can help others understand how their behavior is affecting us. However, if expressing our feelings will damage the relationship or put manipulative-type pressure on others, do not express them.

The 'I'D PREFER' part gives an opportunity to offer our ideas for dealing with the situation. However, if that means squashing the other person's input (a passive person), then we should give them the opportunity to express their ideas first.

LISTENING

A VITAL PART OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Telling our side of the story, expressing our opinions, feelings, and wants is an important part of conflict resolution. However, it is only half of the process. The other half is just as important, and that half is listening.

Listening is more than hearing words and showing you are paying attention by looking the person in the eye as they talk. Listening is trying to understand what the other person is saying, or trying to say. This requires listening beyond the words themselves. To discover the intent of the words we must listen to the choice of words, the feelings expressed with the words, the tone and volume with which the words are spoken, and the body language that accompanies the words. When we listen this way, we are more likely to catch the intent of the other person's words. Then we need to verify what we think we heard.

Verifying what we think the other person is saying is vital if we are to avoid making wrong assumptions about what has been said. Verifying is an easy process. It is done by reflecting back to the speaker what you heard him or her say. It can be done like this:

"What I just heard you say is . . .."

"Are you saying . . .?"

"From your perspective . . ."

"Tell me more about . . .."

When reflecting/clarifying feelings, it is best to use feeling words such as sad, mad, glad, scared, happy, frustrated, irritated, and hurt to describe what you think the other person is feeling. The following examples will help:

"So you are really hurt over what I said."

"It seems like you are irritated with me."

"You really feel good about that, don't you?"

After reflecting what you heard, give the speaker an opportunity to agree with you or correct your perception of what was said. Through this verifying/clarifying process, both the speaker and the hearer can come to an accurate understanding of what the speaker wants to communicate.

If you are the hearer, do not tell the speaker what he is trying to say. Stick to reflecting what you heard and let the speaker decide if what you heard is what he wanted to communicate. This shows respect for the speaker and commitment to restoring the relationship. If in the clarification process the speaker says something inconsistent with what he previously said, show the inconsistency and give him the opportunity to correct himself.

If you find it difficult to understand what the other person is trying to tell you, try one of these two questions to bring clarification to the discussion. Ask:

"Could you give me an example?"

"I'm confused about________. Could you tell me again in a different way, with different words?"

If you are the speaker and what was heard is not what you meant to say, simply correct it. Do not criticize or blame the listener for not hearing you correctly. The goal is to re-establish trust and love, not prove how dumb or disagreeable the listener is. An aggressive or condemning attitude will frustrate or stop the resolution process. Kindness, gentleness, and forgiveness are vital to resolution.

When the verifying/clarifying process is complete, the discussion can move forward to encompass more information from either party. The verifying/clarifying process does not mean that the listener agrees with what the speaker is saying, it only means the listener accurately understands what the speaker is saying. However, an accurate understanding of what is being said is vital to resolving differences. Differences cannot be resolved if what we think we hear the other person saying is not really what he is saying.

Careful listening takes time and effort. But it is better to take the extra time and make the extra effort so that clear understanding can lead to real solutions in resolving differences.

HELPING THE OTHER PERSON COMMUNICATE

Sometimes, the other person responds negatively to what we said, choosing silence and distance as their primary response. When this happens it is difficult to openly deal with the misunderstanding and repair the relationship. However, we can go to the other person and ask if they are willing to express their feelings and/or thoughts about what we said. If we will ask in a non-demanding, non-judgmental manner, we can help the other person open up and express what he is feeling and thinking. Some examples are:

"Would you be willing to respond to what I've said?"

"It would help me to know how you feel about what I've been saying."

"What are your thoughts (or feelings) about what I've said?"

Asking for the other person's reactions to our communication relieves the pressure of trying to figure out what their response really is. It also shows them that we are open and interested in hearing what they have to say.

Sometimes, a negative response means we have been misunderstood. There are usually identifiable reasons for this breakdown in communication. Sometimes we do not clearly say what we are wanting to say. Sometimes others hear us through their predetermined view of who we are, which distorts for them what we are actually saying. Sometimes people hear our requests as demands, our suggestions as personal criticism, or our disagreement as personal disrespect or rejection. For these reasons, it helps to ask what the other person is hearing us say. For example:

"I've been trying to tell you something, what have you been hearing me say?"

"I've been talking for awhile; what do you think I am trying to tell you?"

When we've been misunderstood and discover it, we can clarify what we meant to say. An example is: "I'm sorry it sounded like I was saying you are a jerk. Actually, I appreciate many things about you, and I value our relationship. It is just this one area where I would appreciate a cooperative effort in resolving our differences and further strengthening our relationship."

Asking the other person to paraphrase what he heard is an excellent way to clear up misunderstandings. But, if we wish to improve our communication skills, learning what others are hearing can expose our own peculiar forms of communication, which in turn gives us the possibility to change those forms which hurt our communication efforts.

Copyright © DSB.   All rights reserved.
Revised: February 26, 2008.