THE RECONCILIATION PROCESS
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THE PREPARATION STAGE
I. BEFORE PARTIES ARRIVE
A. CHECK SIGNALS WITH CO-MEDIATOR.
1. Who (if anyone) will take the lead role?
2. How you will divide tasks - Introduction, Story-telling, Problem-solving.
3. Anticipate any special difficulties in this mediation situation.
4. Personal mediation styles.
5. Cues during mediation. If necessary, offer verbal cues: "John, would you pick it up from here." or, "John, could I bring something up here?"
B. CHECK ENVIRONMENT
1. As comfortable and informal as possible.
2. Seating arrangements.
3. A place for private meetings.
4. Coffee, bathroom, and smoking arrangements.
II. OPENING STATEMENT
A. WELCOME AND INTRODUCTIONS
B. HOW WE WILL PROCEED
1. Both parties will describe situation from their perspective.
2. Agree on what the basic issues are of disagreement.
3. Examine possible solutions.
C. MEDIATOR'S ROLE
1. Not to decide right and wrong.
2. To help parties find their own solution.
D. CONFIDENTIALITY AND NOTE-TAKING
E. TAKING A BREAK.
1. Parties can ask to take a break any time.
2. Mediators sometimes take a break and meet separately with each party.
F. GROUND RULES.
1. Mediators ask that parties promise not to interrupt when other party is speaking.
2. CAN PARTIES AGREE TO THIS?
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THE INTRODUCTION STAGE
"A Sample Statement" by Ron Kraybill
It's good to see the two of you here. I am Ron Kraybill, and this is Joan Miller. We will be serving as your mediators this evening. You can call us by our first names; how would you like us to address you?
The purpose of our meeting here this evening is to help you work out an understanding acceptable to both of you to resolve the situation that has been developing for you.
First, we would like to explain how we will proceed, so you know what is happening next. We will begin by asking each of you to explain the situation as you understand it. This will be a special time for each of you to explain to us as mediators exactly how you view things. We will do our best to understand exactly how it looks from your shoes. After that, we will try to identify and agree on what the basic issues are of disagreement. Then we will work together with you in examining exactly what you want of each other and what some possible solutions might be. Our goal is to help you find a solution that both of you feel comfortable with.
We would like you to understand what our role is here this evening. Our goal is to help you figure out your own solution to your problems. You are the ones who will be living with your situation from here on, so we want you to be the ones who decide what the solution will be. So we won't be telling you what to do or trying to judge who is right or wrong. We are much more interested in helping you to think about solutions for the future than in trying to judge what happened in the past. Mainly, we are interested in helping you to talk about a solution that both of you can live with.
We want to assure you that anything you may say during our session is confidential. We will be taking notes from time to time so we can remember things; but when we finish this process, we will destroy our notes.
If you wish, either of you may ask to take a break at any time during our discussion this evening. For example, if you feel yourself getting upset at any time during our discussion and feel you need to take a break to simmer down, let us know; and we will take some time out. You can step outside for a few minutes if you wish, but we will ask you to let us know what is happening and then to return when you are ready to continue. Sometimes it is helpful for us as mediators to meet separately with each of you during our discussion, so we may be doing that occasionally during our discussion as well.
Last of all, we would like to discuss ground rules a bit. The one ground rule which we would like to ask each of you to agree to is not to interrupt when the other person is speaking. This is especially important in the next part of our discussion here. Jim, can you agree to observe this ground rule? Tom, can you also agree to observe this rule? Do either of you have any other ground rules you would like to add to this one?
We'd like to begin now with hearing each of you explain your perspective on this situation uninterrupted. Will one of you volunteer to be first? Tom, Jim has offered to go first. Are you comfortable with this? Tom, we will ask you to listen along with us now in trying to understand Jim's perspective. Here is a piece of paper and pencil in case there are things you disagree with as Tom speaks and want to make a note of them and explain your perspective on them when it is your turn. Jim, you can go ahead and begin now.
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THE STORY-TELLING STAGE
I. OVERVIEW
A. Each party explains the situation from his/her perspective while the other party listens. (LISTEN!)
B. Mediators summarize briefly and empathetically as each party finishes.
C. Optional:
1. Mediators ask clarifying questions
2. Parties invited to respond to each other
D. Define and list issues.
SAMPLE: "Let's begin by agreeing on the major issues which you need to talk about. Sounds like we could put both of your concerns into four major categories: (writes on board) financial concerns, property issues, communication with colleagues, and communication between the two of you. I would like to hear from both of you whether this covers the issues you feel are important."
II. COMMUNICATION
A. RAPPORT: Building rapport with both parties is the primary goal. Grasping facts and chronology is useful but secondary. Take cues from speaker on eye contact, emotional intensity and animation, posture, voice, and speech.
B. PARAPHRASING: This is a powerful tool for building rapport with many but not all people.
C. QUESTIONS: Careful with questions, since they impose your agenda on the speaker (leading) rather than allowing the speaker's experience to structure interaction (pacing). Wait if you can. If you must ask questions, phrase them in open questions, not closed questions.
Open Questions:
"Say more about Mrs. Jones."
"Tell me your memories of that event."
"Describe, clarify, expand, etc."
Closed Questions:
"Who is Mrs. Jones?
"What did you do then?"
"Who, why, what, when, etc."
D. INTERRUPTIONS: Be firm about "no interruptions". Respond to the first few and ignore later ones, not the reverse. Give them paper and pencil to make notes if helpful.
E. BARBED COMMENTS
1. Be prepared to say to the other party, "John, I know you have a different perspective; and I want to hear your view as well in a few minutes."
2. Launder with neutral paraphrase (e.g., launder "she's lying" into "you see things differently").
3. Ask for specific examples (e.g., if party says "he's inconsiderate and totally irresponsible", mediator says "Please give us a specific example of what you have in mind.").
F. TAKE NOTES: Most mediators get lost without them. But keep them brief; a few words should suffice. It can be effective to have one mediator focus on building rapport and the other on keeping track of information.
THE PROBLEM SOLVING STAGE
Guidelines for Panel Resolving a Dispute
I. BEGIN PROBLEM SOLVING SESSION WITH PRAYER (led by panel)
II. RESTATE PROBLEM(S) (directed by panel)
A. Write clear and concise statements on a large sheet of paper or on a chalkboard (it is wise to take paper and easel with you).
B. Show where agreement has already been reached - give encouragement.
C. Show which issues still need to be resolved.
III. CLARIFY ROLES (handled by panel)
A. Clarify that the role of the disputants is to work together to resolve their differences toward reconciliation.
B. Clarify that the role of the panel is to assist the disputants in their role - not do it for them.
IV. CLARIFY GOALS/OBJECTIVES (directed by panel)
A. Ask disputants to write their goals/objectives on a piece of paper and hand it into the panel.
B. Panel reviews what disputants wrote, discuss among themselves, and then present to disputants.
1. Compare/contrast goals/objectives presently written with those contained in the Readiness for Reconciliation workbook (or pre-written on the easel).
2. Compare/contrast goals/objectives presently written with the Scriptural/ultimate goals of the CCS mediation process.
3. Expose and discuss obvious attitudes that exist between the disputants which are either appropriate or inappropriate, spiritual or non spiritual, as revealed by the goals/objectives presently written.
V. PANEL EXPLAIN HOW EACH DISPUTANT IS TO PARAPHRASE AND REPEAT THE CONTENT AND FEELING BEHIND WHAT HE/SHE HEARS THE OTHER PERSON SAY
VI. MOVE INTO PROBLEM SOLVING USING SUCH TECHNIQUES AS: (when needed)
A. Paraphrasing/repeating - listening skills.
B. Brainstorming - looking for options to solve problem.
C. Ranking practicality and feasibility of suggestions.
D. Considering those not directly involved in the dispute but directly affected by the resolution.
VII. CLOSURE (directed by panel)
A. Put agreement in written form. Set a future time for assessing the progress in fulfilling the agreement.
B. Have each disputant reaffirm sorrow for his/her part in the problem and seek full forgiveness from the other for offending and hurting him/her by his/her choices and behavior.
C. Have each disputant pray for the other person involved in the dispute; have panel members pray for both disputants.
D. Have disputants show physical signs of forgiveness and reconciliation (hugs, shaking of hands, etc.).
E. Set time for celebration of resolution and reconciliation with both disputants and panel involved (eating together, communion service, fun outing, etc.).
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